Jealousy: When the fear of losing someone we love becomes harmful

“Some folks consider that the greatest technique to cease someone who’s transferring away from us is thru possession. These folks assume, ‘Oh, in the event you’re going away from me, what am I going to do, throw away your cellphone, lock you up, and cease you from leaving the home.’ Obviously, this pattern can have the reverse impact. As we are at all times beings in search of connection, the solely factor that ensures the stability of a pair is mutual honesty, acceptance and data.

This definition, by Swiss thinker Alain de Botton – creator of the School of Life, a research middle that displays on themes akin to love and friendship – sums up one of the fundamental brokers afflicting human relationships: jealousy.

Over the years, students have tried to know slightly extra about this hostile feeling that’s indicative of our insecurities, however they’ve by no means give you a believable speculation.

And the doubt stays: Why do we undergo a lot from jealousy?

“We undergo from jealousy as a result of it’s a dimensional emotion, which brings with it different adverse feelings, akin to fear, nervousness, anger and disappointment”, explains Renata Moreira, psychologist specializing in {couples} and households and grasp of cognition and habits. by UFMG.

She says that this emotion, love’s twin brother, typically has the energy to disrupt the pure cycle of growth and depart us paralyzed in the identical story—which largely exists inside our heads.

“The fear of losing the one we love is the basis that holds us collectively. The downside is how we take care of it in our day by day lives. It is necessary to discover a steadiness in order that we don’t create pointless struggling in our relationship,” he says.

According to psychologist Claudia Maria Bomans, jealousy seems as a warning signal when we assume one thing isn’t going properly or as we anticipated.

“Actually, it’s an indicator of insecurity and manifests itself as an absolute want to regulate others”, he explains, opposite to what’s taught in society, jealousy isn’t an indication of love.

“Love has nothing to do with possessiveness. People that suffer from extreme jealousy solely hurt their private and love relationships. It is critical to look at the causes of this habits to defeat these impulses”, he suggests.

Therefore, the best hazard of jealousy – particularly in phrases of its extra – is that, along with destroying {our relationships}, it undermines our shallowness, psychologist Juliana de Oliveira Rosa factors out.

“An insecure particular person has the perception that she is unable to carry out satisfying actions and keep wholesome relationships. She doesn’t consider in her potential, her traits and her optimistic factors, attracting quite a few losses to her emotional life”, he suggests.

Juliana highlights that, generally, fear is a pure emotion and its fundamental perform is to guard us. “The hazard is when it becomes dysfunctional. Then it becomes pathological nervousness, and it may possibly trigger loads of harm in our lives”, he warns.

The good aspect of jealousy

Given all this, is it attainable that jealousy has aspect? Some specialists say sure.

“Jealousy is an emotion that goals to guard and protect the species”, emphasizes psychologist Renata Borja, a grasp in intercultural relations and an skilled in cognitive-behavioral remedy.

“It is a aggressive emotion that focuses on creating methods to keep up connections between folks. If used decisively, it may possibly assist to know danger in time to create techniques that promote reconnection and restoration”, he provides.

Psychologist Renata Moreira agrees and says that jealousy is a phenomenon that’s half of our evolution as a species.

“Darwin’s nice imaginative and prescient helped us perceive that our historical past relies on a battle for survival, together with the dynamic of intense competitors, which may happen between totally different teams, akin to siblings, friends and sexual suitors. From this level of view, jealousy is nothing greater than an evolutionary technique, an emotion that accompanies us to defend ourselves in adversarial environments and conditions”, he explains.

For Moreira, the secret is determining easy methods to management this highly effective sensation and all its results.

“Knowing that we have an evolutionary purpose for jealousy doesn’t justify the anger, suspicion, and retaliation of these concerned in that emotion. The fact is that we can, certainly, be motivated by the fears and anxieties round us”, he thinks.

“The necessary factor is to discover a means to make use of jealousy in order that it’s at all times a useful answer, and never a device of destruction”, he sums up.

Check out some suggestions under from psychologist Renata Borja on easy methods to take care of fear of loss and jealousy in your on a regular basis life.:

1 – Identify the conditions and triggers that activate your jealousy and put together to take care of it extra adaptively when it occurs.

2 – Remember that you may really feel jealous and jealousy is a pure emotion. Be self-compassionate. Don’t battle along with your emotions. Welcome your emotions, with out accusations and with out guilt.

3 – Question the validity of your pondering. Don’t let it destroy your plans, objectives and targets. Just since you assume you could be cheated on does not imply it can occur. And even if you’re betrayed someday, your jealousy won’t stop this from taking place, on the opposite, it could even contribute to the loss of affection or curiosity in your accomplice.

4 – Try to behave constructively. Jealousy is an emotion that comes with anger, but it surely does not imply you need to fear, battle, accuse, query (interrogate), stalk, spy, assault, or management someone. Remember that these behaviors will often drive you away from the one who is jealous. Exchange these harmful behaviors for care, consideration, generosity, affection and kindness.

5 – Live your current second as greatest you possibly can. Meditate, do mindfulness, or admire the little issues in your on a regular basis life like going exterior, ice cream, sunsets, and all the little issues in your day.

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